Dinner is momofuku sweet-spicy noodles stir fried with shrimp, bell peppers, onions, and chicken.
Let me preface by saying my boyfriend (m29) and I (f28) have been together for a little over two years. We live together and are hoping to get engaged and married in next 18 months. We have normal couple problems,mostly communication and normal conflict, but 90% of the time we are on the same page.
But his family, specifically his mother, is driving me insane. His mother doesn’t work, for reasons unknown (she’s not disabled), however she asks my bf to foot the bill for a lot of other family member’s responsibilities.
For example, my bf has a younger brother (m26) who has 4 children, a wife, and baby mother, and another on the way by a third woman (yes you read that correctly, very ghetto). This brother works (or WORKED because he just got fired last week for being homophobic to a coworker) for a giant retail and doesn’t make much money. Due to his brothers inability to feed the mouths of all 3 of his families, my bf constantly has to for the bill for his brother’s rent, car note, birthday gifts for the kids, car repairs etc.
How does the mother play into this? She is the one constantly asking my bf to foot the expense. My bf’s brother is actually way too prideful to beg for money from my bf, so instead goes to their mother who then in turn DEMANDS my bf pays his bills. (Her words: “You MUST help”). It’s to the point where she’ll offer pay something for the brother, as if she has the money or a job, and will just instead turn around and ask my bf to pay it. If my bf says no she’ll get mad at him and just keep asking and asking until he caves.
List of things she’s asked my bf to pay for:
Rent
Car note
School fees for his niece and nephew who live in the Caribbean
A tablet for his 5 year old nephew (we don’t even have a tablet)
A speeding ticket
Money for car repair and his brothers engine blew
Money for a lawyer because his brother caught a DV charge (case was dropped btw)
This has been going on our entire relationship but what recently made it come to a head was that my bf was discussing our (his and i’s) future with his parents and they seem mostly disinterested. He spoke about our plans to hopefully get engaged and throw a small wedding (hopefully under 10k) and they didn’t even entertain his thoughts. They said something to the tune of “that’s nice” and when my boyfriend told them who’d he like to invite his mother encouraged him to cut the guest list because “some people are relieved when they aren’t invited to a wedding”. My boyfriend then begins to tell me his parents couldn’t be bothered with the hassle of a wedding and for them it’s just too much effort and maybe they’d attend a ceremony but a reception is too much effort for them. So when his mother was talking about “some people” she was referring to herself. So although my bf can give thousands and thousands to his mom to help her enable her grown son, she couldn’t even be bothered to care about our wedding plans. So much for a family contribution.
And this pissed me clean off because our entire relationship this woman has only TAKED AND TAKED AND USED and has never once GAVE to my bf. She couldn’t even care enough to want to make a contribution or even act interested in our plans.
Our entire relationship, I have seen my bf’s mother act so transactional towards my bf. If she cooks for my bf and I, it’s because he bought the food for her because she asked. If my bf is in a tight spot financially (and he’s been in many) she will explicitly tell him she will NOT help him. If he says no to lending money, she will threaten to withhold future favors from him or hold over his head favors she’s done for him in the past.
And my bf allows it. He is so used to being manipulated and used that he doesn’t even see the problem in this anymore. I’ve called to him about how constantly giving money to his family is jeopardizing our future, and while he understands, he does not have to guts to tell his mom NO. I’ at the point where I’m avoiding his mom because she disgusts me. No advice needed because I know there’s nothing I can do to change my bf’s dynamic with his mom, but always taking suggestions.
I love my bf but I dislike his mom because she is a user.
TLDR;
My bf’s mom treat my boyfriend like an ATM machine but couldn’t even care enough to act interested in our future. She sees my bf as more of a bank and less as a son.
