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TW: mentions of suicidal thoughts/ideation and SH

Also sorry for the long-ish post, needed to add some backstory. also for the formatting, I'm on mobile 🥀

Food: Oreo cheesecake from Meijer (I've been craving cheesecake today so we went and got some after work 😋)

I've been struggling dealing with bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety unmedicated (all diagnosed; unmedicated due to no access to healthcare knowingly at this time).

On Monday, my husband and I were having what I thought was a great day. I was enjoying spending time with him. We watched a season of American Horror Story (which I've never seen before, can't remember which season is the one where the group of kids from the 80's goes to the haunted camp or whatever, but that's the one we watched), drove around and listened to music, and then went to Walmart to pick up some alcohol.

He's a pretty avid gamer, usually if he's home, he's on his computer. Which in general, is fine with me. There are times when I wish we could bedrot together, but he's not huge on that, so I don't push most of the time. I used to be a big gamer, but due to some major depression, I've lost interest in gaming pretty much. Also, usually if there are people in the discord vc, he's gonna join in. Our computers are right next to each other, so our mics echo. Which imo is annoying.

After we got done getting alcohol and was heading home, he noticed there were a large number of people in a vc. He suggested we get on our computers and do something. In my mind, this meant the both of us joining the vc. I gave the reason of our mics echoing as to not join, at least myself.

He immediately got upset. Called it a dumb reason. I shut down because in my mind, I fucked up the entire day now. We got home, he got in bed still upset and turned on a movie. I laid down next to him and started drinking out of a bottle of wine I got. This is where I fucked up more.

I had 2 Alani's before drinking. Little did I know, I cannot handle mixing caffiene and alcohol. Eventually he got on his computer and joined the vc, I kept drinking.

The whole time we were watching the movie, I kept thinking about how I'm such a fuckup of a wife, I'm burdening him, I want to kill myself, etc. I've been dealing with a lot of heavy suicidal thoughts/ideation/thoughts of relapsing back into SH since being off of my medication.

I went into the bathroom because I thought I had to puke. I just sat there and cried for about 5 minutes and texted my friend with questions about going to a psychiatric hospital without insurance. I went to sit in the car and cried my eyes out more. I wanted to just die so badly, I was seriously debating going to the ER and admitting myself.

My husband came out and sat with me for a little bit and brought me water. Eventually we went inside. I laid down feeling nauseous and my head killing me.

Yesterday I felt better, slept it off, got some Gatorade, went to work and had a decent day.

I'm just tired of the up and down daily. I'm tired of not wanting to live, I'm tired of being so reliant on my husband's mood to dictate my mood, I'm tired of just everything. I want to admit myself into a psychiatric hospital, but I'm very terrified to do so. I've heard good things but also really bad things.

Does anyone here have experience being admitted? Is it really as bad as people/media make it out to be? What would I need to bring if I do end up admitting myself?

TLDR; currently unmedicated for bipolar, depression, and anxiety. tired of feeling suicidal and being up and down daily. Want to admit myself into a psychiatric hospital, but am terrified. need to know if they're bad, what to expect, what to bring if I do go, etc.

thanks, yall 💕

attached is what i remember from it. there were 6 fish, one for each color of the rainbow, and the goal was to launch them as far into the ocean as possible. It was kinda like that google gnome game.

most of these fish designs are just made up but i can say for certain that the blue fish was a whale (or similar huge fish) and there was a fish that there were 'three' of and youd get a boost each time one hit the water. it was either the red or purple fish that was like that.

there mightve been a 'boost' feature? and i think there were distance markers that were buoys.

thats all i remember, sorry!