cheesecake factory chocolate tower cake alone for dinner because i’m trying not to go crazy 🤎
i’ve literally been thinking about this all day. my boyfriend and i are long distance for the moment so texting and calling is basically our relationship. i realized every time i get upset with him it’s almost always communication. he’s just always in my head. not in an obsessive way (at least i hope not). i stop myself from texting him all the time because i know he’s busy and i don’t wanna overwhelm him, but honestly that kills me. i share everything. literally everything. down to something that happened at the grocery store, something someone said that made me laugh, or just something random that happened during my day. let alone things like waking up, leaving the house, or going somewhere. i don’t even think it’s because i need him to know. i think it just makes me feel like he’s there with me. like he’s involved in my day even when he isn’t physically here. i want him involved. i want him to feel like he’s there through all the little moments. he on the other hand would forget to even say good morning sometimes or fall asleep without telling me and i know it shouldn’t bother me this much we r adults and get busy but i don’t even think it’s about saying good morning or goodnight. i think it’s that involving me in his day doesn’t seem to come as naturally to him as involving him in mine comes to me. sometimes i won’t even know he’s been out doing something until i text him first. and when we do text the replies are usually pretty short. not always, but most of the time. i know people get busy. i know that. i just wish it didn’t get to me. if we lived together i honestly don’t think i’d care nearly as much, but long distance is different because this is basically all we have. sometimes when i’ve brought it up he’ll tell me he’s busy or that he’s just a bad texter, and i get it. i really do. those would make perfect sense if we lived together. i just feel like when you’re long distance, texting and calling ARE the relationship. then again i start questioning myself because i have BPD and i’m constantly wondering if i’m exaggerating things. i genuinely don’t know anymore. i feel like i do a good job giving him space and not overwhelming him, but i still always want to tell him everything. i don’t think he’s doing anything wrong or trying to hurt me. outside of the communication thing i really don’t have complaints. this one thing has just been slowly eating away at me. i miss him.
