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Posting from my lurking account because I don’t want anyone I know to see this.

I (31 F) messed up by not accepting her (48 F) engagement.

For context we’ve been together 3 years and living together for 1. We both have severe trauma around relationships, I’ve been engaged 4 times and she was in an awful abusive relationship with her ex-wife for 15 years.

6 months ago we were out together at a gay bar and a regular at the bar (a very funny gay man) drunkenly asked us why we weren’t married, “you look so happy”, and that’s how this trouble started. We talked about it and she said that I deserve to be more than a girlfriend but she was scared of marrying again. A few weeks later we had a more serious conversation while out together at dinner, we poured our hearts out onto the table and afterwards she said, “I guess we just got engaged”. I immediately got scared and said “no, we aren’t doing that”, every relationship I have ever had has fallen apart after getting engaged.

A few months have passed since then and I feel awful. Our relationship is the same and nothing bad is happening but every day I feel like I am withering away inside. She is perfect to me and I know that at this point I can’t do better than her. She is the person I want to wake up next to for the rest of my life but now it feels like that is slipping away. I feel like I’m always just going to be a disposable “girlfriend” and never anyone’s everything.

I’m tired. I know what I want from life and I know what I’m worth and that makes these feelings even worse. I’m spiraling terribly inside and it takes all my energy not to show it. Now when the subject comes up she says, “I’m not ready for marriage and I might not ever be”.

I messed up. Advice welcome, I don’t know what to do.

Lunch is my special chicken taco filling, because I’m too depressed to make tacos.