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stale chips until i can make actual food or its probably pizza with my “boyfriend” later tonight. i haven’t been able to eat for days because my ed is really bad. please be kind

introduction: i’m nonbinary, boyflux. but i don’t really feel like a boy anymore. i’ve been on the hormones and had top surgery in october before medicaid stopped supplying it. i’m mourning everything i’ve done. i love trans people but i became trans for the some of the wrong reasons. i didn’t want to be sexually assaulted ever again. and i had a poor mentality. i also still wanted to be a boy but this trauma is so bad.

two years ago, when i was 19, me and my bf dated. we knew each other in elementary but found each other on bumble after i left my ex fiancé. he was more confident and funny. he wasn’t shy anymore. he ended up sexually assaulting me 2 times and i ended up pregnant in good old florida as the 6 week abortion ban went down. his family was horrible. they tried to force an abortion on me physically like surgical and pills. (his mom is a nurse) or leave me stranded in chicago.

i let myself get in a really bad situation after my mom kicked me out, and i lived in maryland for two years. the person i lived with, i’m worried he knows my reddit acct, but it was super predatory. and i still am allowed to use his credit card even since leaving but he sees me as a girl. there were also underage girls in the mix. i hope you know what i’m implying. for food, and shelter, i had to do sex. (edit to only say its for extreme emergencies i use the credit card and i talk to him nicely. its weird. i trauma bond with him and my bf.)

for two years. i tried moving on and he’d come in my life after every big breakup. i don’t know how to be alone romantically because i’m scared. and i have bpd. so it makes it harder. he took me out of the situation from maryland, and brought me to bum fuck indiana. and abused me again. sa’d me. hit me. punched me. i got so fed up to the abuse i almost killed him out of self defense. i got my own apt of section 8, called permanent supportive housing. but i can’t leave him. i have tried making friends and almost got sa’d. he has isolated me so much and his best friend watch me get sa’d and was fine with it. i was drunk/and high. how tf was i supposed to consent??? he told me he forced things on me.

originally the plan before moving in was going to a dv shelter in chicago and that we’d be friends. but no shelter would help me. none. he knew chicago was my dream. he knew the job i got him (which was my job) was my dream. i had to quit due to them making me sick when i lived with them from all the moldy dishes. he has my dream factory job now, they’re unionized and really good. my bf and ex roommate are slobs. i have multiple chronic illnesses and being forced to clean mold and live in mold without safety gear, i’d faint and be sick constantly. there’s probably long term effects too, mentally and physically. and now he’s moving to chicago— without me, just with his best friend who stole food+money from me and didnt use it for rent. he’s accepted a position for becoming a tcg / video game franchise owner in chicago.

i called the store and told them what he did and how i financially depend on him still for a lot of things while i try to leave him and get independent on my own. i told them they’re ruining my escape plan. i screwed up in a splitting episode. and he’s coming over tonight and i don’t know what’s gonna happen. i told him, my dv advocate and my 2nd mom (family friend) what happened.

i think he’s right that i’m a parasite. i want to be a girl again. or at least just nonbinary. i wanted to be a boy for so long besides the trauma reason but being abused by 7+ different men and my “first love” makes me dislike being a boy.

i think he’s breaking up with me tonight. we have a cat we share. she only has three legs. she’s what helps me through this and i’m really scared. at least i have my apartment but people in this city have been really mean to me.