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Cream soda and leftover Culver's

Sorry, this is so long, really just trying to process

I, (freshly 27F), was with my ex, Shay (25F), for about a year. Tonight is my first night alone in my house. Our relationship had a pattern of escalating arguments where I would ask for space and try to calm things down, but she would keep pushing the conversation. I felt like I was always defending myself, explaining my feelings, and trying to fix problems I didn’t even know existed. She would get upset, say she was fine, then hours later, unload things on me, some things from months ago that I thought we had already moved past. I was constantly managing her emotions and never really got to breathe.

Earlier this year, during an argument where I kept asking for space and eventually asked her to move out because she wouldn't stop, she came up behind me and slammed me to the ground. I called friends. I wanted support and someone to help mediate because I wanted it to end, but things escalated when they arrived, and one of my friends assaulted Shay. We stopped it, and Shay left for the night while I sat with my 2 friends and my brother. I should have left it there, but we had a long, calm talk and reconciled the next day, and things got better for a little while.. But then the arguments started again..

We broke up at Pride at the end of June, but she stayed with me while we were trying to figure things out financially and between us. I kept explaining that I didn’t want to keep having the same arguments, getting yelled at, or feeling monitored and controlled, but nothing really changed, and we had quite a few arguments in these past 3 weeks. Most of them were just her yelling at me, wanting to know where I/we stood, and me wanting peace. 

Then yesterday happened.

She got upset over TWO texts with an ex who is now just a friend. (Honestly, he isn’t even a friend anymore because after she kept bringing him up and made me feel like I was somehow choosing him over her, so I stopped talking to him. After that, she still kept bringing him up. I don’t even like men.) Anyway, I had sent him a casting call, he replied, and that was literally it. Despite us not being in a relationship, she confronted me about it, I explained what happened, and I thought it was over, but the next morning she brought it up again. I asked her to take a break because I could feel things escalating, and I didn’t want another argument, but she said she “didn’t hear me” and continued yelling and provoking me. At some point, while she was screaming at me and ignoring my requests to stop and leave me alone, I called 911. She took my phone and hung up. The police called me back, and I told them I was okay because my family was on the way.

Before that, I walked to the store in 90-degree heat in Missouri because I was thirsty, needed space, and she wouldn’t give me my keys. On my way back, she pulled up and tried to get me to get in the car, citing the heat and my sweat, and I refused. When I came back, I hoped things would calm down, but they didn't..

I honestly don’t remember every detail because I was overwhelmed, but I remember repeating “Can I have my keys?” “Please just stop.” “Leave me alone.” “Get out of my face.” “Don’t touch me.”

She followed me from room to room, blocked me from leaving, and at some point came flying through my locked bedroom door to keep screaming at me. After she asked me if this was really it, If I was ever going to contact her again.. and I later heard her venting on the phone, saying, "Who wouldn't break the door down?"

I ran away, locked myself in the bathroom, and called her mom to come pick her up. After a while, I came out to get my drink and told her her mom was on the way because her mom couldn't reach her. Before I could close the bathroom door again, she followed me in, took my phone, cornered me while I was sitting on the floor, and screamed at me while I begged her to stop.

She asked me twice, “Have you ever had your ass beat?”

Eventually, she left to keep gathering her things. And I waited for someone else to arrive.

My mom and my brother came over and sat with me in their car until Shay left.

While I was walking outside to sit with them, Shay yelled things at me like, “Look at what you’re doing,” “you’re a white bitch,” “you’re a Gemini,” “you’re autistic,” "getting a black bitch locked up," "makes sense". Making sure everyone was outside so she could yell at me and say those things freely.

After she was finally gone, I noticed my house key, garage opener, AirTag, and personal items 🍆  were missing, and I found my camping tent and air mattress in the garbage… my friend came and stayed with me last night to make sure nobody broke in. But now it’s my first night in my house alone after a year and I don't know what to do other than sit here on my phone and hope she doesn't pop up..

She's gone, and I'm still expecting another confrontation. 

She always told me I had so many people to talk to (worried what I was saying about her), but I honestly don’t, and wasn't talking about her. I’m not really close with anyone. I don’t have this huge support system she made it seem like I did. She would always tell me I was playing the victim and make it seem like I didn’t understand, even when I was the one pointing out the pattern and suggesting solutions. I have a psych degree, and she would throw that in my face, basically calling me stupid for not understanding, but I did understand. I understood exactly what was happening. I just couldn’t make someone else change.

I know I wasn’t wrong, and I tried so hard to make her feel loved and comfortable. But it felt like no matter what I did, it was never enough. I spent so much time trying to understand her feelings that I started losing trust in my own. I was constantly trying to prove I wasn’t doing something wrong, and I started wondering if I was actually the problem.

I don’t even know if I’m looking for advice. I think I just need strangers on the internet to tell me I’m not crazy, because I spent so long feeling like I was. And honestly, thinking about the way she’s probably telling the story to other people makes me so angry. I spent a year trying to understand her, trying to fix things, trying to make her feel safe, and now I feel like I’m the one who’s going to look like the bad guy, even though those people don't matter to me..

Anyway… Should I throw a breakup party?

TLDR: My ex and I broke up after a year of a really unhealthy cycle where I felt like I was constantly trying to fix things, prove myself, and keep the peace. We stayed roommates for 3 weeks after the breakup, hoping things would get better, but yesterday everything escalated, and she finally left. Now I’m sitting in my house alone for the first time in a year, still expecting another confrontation.