Blog

Throwaway account but I (31F), finally think the world has won. Since childhood I've hit wall after wall where the love I had to give this world was misused, I've been neglected, passed over and rejected. My parents were products of their own abusive childhoods, so the cycle continued.

I navigated my way through decades of rejection in friendships, romantic rejection, SA, therapy, weight gain, marriage, divorce, avoidant breakups, weight loss and now to be back on the dating market again.

I've done over 13 years of therapy, worked so hard to not let life make me bitter, brittle and hardened to everything I've experienced. I've remained open and willing to give and receive love.

But today, after two dates with a guy where I was open, fun, my easygoing self, for him to hit me with that he doesn't 'feel what he needs to feel to move forward romantically', I truly think something has snapped in me.

I don't have it in me anymore to open up to anyone again. I wanted so badly for things to work out with someone. To have a loving partner and a family, but I can't do it anymore. It's not a matter of age, as I know that's not an issue, it's that my heart is broken. It's broken after years of loving and rebuilding myself when I just hoped someone else could too.

I can't put myself through any of it again. I just hoped it had been different.

Meal is antipasti, tortilla chips, salsa, hummus and sardines