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Leftovers.

I have never gotten closure in romance and it has rendered me dyslexic in relationships. My first real and borderline abusive guy, abandoned me after 5 years (like GHOSTED) and got back together with his ex (theyd been ‘actually’ dating all this time). I went crazy and showed up at his house (this was 7 years ago, im a different human being now) and we had sex (theyre open allegedly) and he kicked me out of his house right after. We never spoke ever again. Hes happily married to the ex and now hes a complete family man. Theyre super happy. He got away scratch free. Also she is a bit shady herself (i dont blame her) but she once complained to him that I didnt say hi to her when walking past her (i didnt notice her!) and he called me to scold me and yell at me about it. I was gum under his shoe.

My second ‘relationship’ was with someone who used me as an emotional pillow while leaving their ex and filled the void with me and then moved on in a second with new partners. I was disposed. They also rejected me physically and sexually for bullshit reasons. Now that im sexier they keEp DMing me and telling me how hot I sm and that I should visit them. I dk why I never confronted her directly beyond once and I never could fathom why I was so disposable to them.

Currently ive had distance created by a lover who pursued me HOT AND HEAVY In the start but backed off when they realised they weren’t in the rigjt headspace and knew it could hurt me. We still saw each other afterwards but now suddenly theyve created so much distance. So cold and when I see them in person all the tenderness they had for me is gone. Im being once again slow faded away from. I feel pathetic asking them why this distance is here (I already know why! And theyll either give a bullshit answer or just say “i told u so”)

I cant fathom all of this and I don’t even know what to do. Im in deep pain and I want to cry so bad. I wish I wasnt so discardable.