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Dinner: vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce

Was using my husband’s phone to look for family photos. We know each other’s passwords and are open to using one another’s phone. Notification came in from Reddit…. And I tapped on it.

And then fell down the rabbit hole into knowledge I wish I didn’t have.

Turns out in addition to his main account, he has two alternate accounts. One is used for porn. But extremely rough and violent and terrifying porn. He also is very interested in teen girls porn.

The other account? He impersonates a woman. He posts asking for all sorts of porn and sexual conversation requests. Sigh. Multiple times a week. Sigh again.

He takes some conversations off Reddit. Just skimming the last few week’s worth of messages and photos/videos… it’s turned my stomach. I’m completely disgusted.

I am shocked by the sheer volume of messages and conversations and picture exchanges he’s had with people. Men and women. They go back years. As long as our marriage.

When he stays up until 2am “working”, I always believed him. I am an idiot.

Our own sex life has always been good. Multiple times a week, but I guess vanilla. Seeing the sorts of porn he apparently is into, I am terrified of him now. I also feel betrayed.

My brain is telling me to get out now and run! But my heart is saying maybe if we talked about it, I could understand.

Time to pull my head out of the sand though. Can’t un-know this.