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TW: discussion of suicidal ideation, self-harm, medical gaslighting and medical harm. 

Edited to add: sorry about the meal photo having captions, it really is my food and my photo! It’s a screen shot I took today but it’s from my old Tumblr food blog of a Mediterranean Pearl Couscous salad that I used to make but haven’t in awhile, because I haven’t eaten yet today.

Thanks in advance for hanging in there if you read the whole thing.

I had a recent emotionally intense work related experience that I’m still trying to fully process. Writing things out is often cathartic for me so I’m hoping that will be the case with this. 

My work involves legal advocacy, medical research, and analysis of medical information and records over long periods of time. I’ve been doing this work for many years, and it’s sadly a very clear additional window into the infuriating failures of US medical care and systems and how much worse it continues to get. 

I’m also navigating debilitating chronic health conditions myself with almost no support while trying to provide for myself and children and we’ve experienced medical gaslighting as well as some other very difficult and traumatic experiences, so these topics also have significant personal impact. 

The work related incident involved a medical provider in a position of power who made explicit statements about suicidal ideation, self harm, and mental health conditions that were extremely inappropriate and triggering and that played out in a high stakes context in which a minor child was present who is at increasing risk of acting on suicidal ideation and higher levels of self harm, and in which I had to respond and react in real time within technical constraints and on an official record. 

The medical provider, who has been treating patients for over 30 years, has run inpatient psychiatric mental health facilities, and has multiple leadership roles, was mocking, dismissive, and condescending, and repeatedly made statements that leave me disgusted and irate that he is allowed to be anywhere near vulnerable children and patients or make decisions about their care. His statements about SI/SH included things like:

“Suicidal ideation in children is manipulation.”

“I’ve had a 5 year old with suicidal ideation. Extremely manipulative.”  

“Being suicidal is not an excuse to be irresponsible. I’ve had doctors and lawyers who committed suicide who still worked the day before.”

He said things about how all “bad behavior” is due to “bad parenting” and that self-harm that doesn’t result in life threatening injury is just manipulation, although he did “admit” that sometimes kids “accidentally cause “real” harm” that way and die, and so much more. 

To add to the picture, this man also writes terrible fiction books about mental health including gross “psychological romance” stories. Even the titles are fucked up like “A Refusal to be Mentally Ill” and “Dancing With Madness”. 

With all that as background. His comments were unexpected in this specific situation so I was blindsided by them; they caused extreme distress for the family and child involved and acute concern for the child’s safety; and they were also very personally triggering in the context of immediately bringing specific traumatic memories and images to front of mind for me.

Everyone is ok as far as any acute risks. And I’m good at continuing to do what I need to do even under immense stress and/or trauma even if it’s with tears at the same time. But the emotion and rage and sadness and demoralization I feel toward this man and the state of our medical system and society and world and all of the overwhelming injustices is…not dissipating, and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it, and it is increasingly hard not to feel like I’m absolutely fucking drowning in it all.

Thanks for listening.

A guy I have been dating for the last 10 1/2 months has been acting really weird the last week and just sent this to me on Snapchat. I got excited thinking I had a Snapchat from him and opened it and all I saw was 4 glowing eyes. You might have to make the brightness brighter to see this but what the heck is this? I was thinking a gaming console or internet router or something but does anyone know or can say with absolute certainty if it’s maybe a ps5 or an Xbox in the dark? All I see is 4 glowing eyes.

EDIT: I don’t think this is a photo taken outside and he doesn’t have a cat or a dog. I believe he is in his bed and he sent this right before going to sleep for the night… could it possibly be the sensors from his oura ring ? As much as this sounds like a joke, I’m really curious if someone can help me. I have bad anxiety because he’s been acting weird this last week.