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Food: chipotle ranch salad, emotional support water, and a hawaiian alani. I also had a veggie pizza but i forgot to take a picture of that!

Last week i was told at an appointment i have a very very short period of time to concieve and have a baby. I wasnt expecting this news at all, and i dont have any kids already, so i was super freaked out. I didnt really think to have any questions in the moment, i think i blacked out a little bit. I pretty much just ran out of the office and went home to tell my husband. Ofc because he’s amazing (and after a very brief panic) he got on board and agreed with trying ASAP. He’s been so supportive, but both of us are really nervous and have so many questions.

The earliest my OB could get us back in is in 9 days. So i’ve had all these questions rolling around in the back of my head for a week already, and now i have another one to go before i can get any answers. I’m still on my birth control (the implant) which i’ll need to get removed. I also had a medication that isnt safe to concieve on administered a few weeks ago (also for reproductive issues), so that doesnt run out until the day after my appointment.

So basically i’m stuck right now. Like i know i have this giant thing coming up, but there isnt anything i can do to prepare other than wait. I’ve yapped to pretty much everyone i’m close with about it, and i’m trying not to burn anyone out. I HATE not being able to prepare for things. Its like a teacher is telling me i have this giant paper due thats worth half my grade, but is refusing to give me the rubric until the week of. Maybe thats not a problem for other people and i’m just really high strung, but thats like a nightmare situation for me. I always have to have some type of plan for anything i do, and this is driving me crazy. I know concieving itself is going to be the same way with the waiting and tracking ovulation then waiting for the pregnancy test, then if i’m really lucky waiting for the first trimester to be over so i can tell people. Its a giant game of waiting around and i can already tell i’m not gonna be good at it at all.

I’m also in this cycle of nervous excitement. Like i’m really nervous about even being pregnant to begin with. I never thought i’d be stable enough to have kids but now i am. I worried so much that i’d give my kids the same trauma i had growing up that i didnt let myself think about that possibility until i did a lot of therapy and processing. So even wanting kids is new-ish, much less actually having one. My family also has a terrible success rate. My grandmother was pregnant 9 times and only had 2 kids, so thats there. I know if i start thinking about nurseries and baby showers and names and then it doesnt work out i’ll be absolutely crushed.

On the other hand, i want to be excited because it takes away some of the fears. So i do think about all of those things. If i’m excited about it i dont have to worry about if i’m going to feel totally ready or how much this will effect me, because it will be worth it. But then i just get scared that it wont happen and i have to shut it down before i get too excited again. I dont have that long to try and its impossible to know if it will stick or make it to term. Its a really shitty cycle and i dont think theres an end to it. I’m just trying to stay as busy as possible.

Thank you for letting me vent. I just had to get it all out to people who don’t know me. I hope the anxiety slows down a little soon. I see my therapist tomorrow too, but he’s not really expecting to be hit with all of this 😅.