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Dinner: medium ribeye with blistered cherry tomatoes and blanched asparagus sautéed with caramelized onion paste and roasted garlic paste.

I know you’re thinking this is dinner not Girl Dinner™️. But I cooked everything during a power outage, on a gas stove, with very very shitty post 7PM lighting. I felt like an early 20th century housewife! I didn’t feel like cooking for my birthday on Friday but I also didn’t want that beautiful steak to go to waste in the power outage.

One year ago, today, was the last time that I saw my ex. He came over to celebrate my birthday with me, two days late. He brought nothing with him but himself. I didn’t care, I just wanted him. We spent the night together in my bed and I let him sleep in until 11 am. He woke up, took a shower, kissed me goodbye and walked out of my life for the last time.

I miss the way he smells… both good and natural. I miss the graceful way that he moves his body… like a panther. I miss how peaceful and beautiful he looks when he sleeps. I miss the feel of his body on top of mine. I miss him pulling me closer to him in the middle of the night while he’s half asleep. I miss listening to him talk about his life, his family and all the things that made him feel deeply. I miss the flavor of his words.

Despite all of those things that I miss, he also repeatedly violated my boundaries (sexual and emotional). He was careless and thoughtless with my thoughts, feelings and needs. It was like he believed that his time and energy were significantly more valuable than mine. He spent almost two years making promises to me that I don’t believe he ever intended to keep.

He would have continued wasting my time for as long as I would have allowed it. I know I made the right decision ending things with him. I also know that if I truly wanted him back, I could have him. I’d have access to everything about him that I love as well as all of the things that make me want to punch him dead in his fucking grill. I’d have to accept a relationship where I am always put last, never considered, never heard or taken seriously. There was a time when I was thankful to just be in the same room as him breathing in the same oxygen he was breathing. Now it’s not enough.

I wish he never became anything more to me than an out of reach fantasy. For ladies approaching pumahood who are interested in slightly younger men, just be aware that gen-z men are NOT built any differently than older men. While they have all the skills and resources required to find the clit, it’s still a mostly fruitless expedition.

I think I just need some dick. Why do men have to come alongside of the dick? 🫩

What is WAS? I tried really hard to google things like "coffee WAS" but could not find a beverage like that.