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watermelon & tajin; a proper girl dinner. 😺

today i talked to my twin sister, who lives with our mom. i’ve been no contact with our mom and lot of our family for years.. for reasons that are too long to explain, but i’ll give some context. my mom had us very young (15). our great-grandmother raised us. we always knew who our mom was and she was around sporadically. we never knew who our dad was. we went to her house occasionally. i have distinct memories of her physically abusing us with belts, extension cords, etc. she would yell and berate us for seemingly no reason, call us stupid, cuss at us as if she was arguing with an adult. in times of anger, she’d say that she wanted to fetus deletus us but our grandma wouldn’t let her. in short, it always seemed to me like she hated us. and we didn’t understand why she did a lot of emotional and psychological damage that i only started to recognize & address after undergrad. i first went to therapy 2 years after graduating, which is where i learned the extent of the damage.

my sister and i are very different. simply put, we are just on different paths in life. she is still dependent on our mom and lives with her. i’ve moved away, gone to grad school, have a “professional” job, a stable partner. i’m the first in my family to go to college. my mom was nearly absent from our life until i started achieving my goals, then she was suddenly so interested and portraying herself as mom of the year, definitely always tried to take credit for any accomplishments me or my sister had.

today my sister said that my mom told her something that she asked her not to share with me. of course, she told me: we were the product of my mom being 🍇 by a grown man. she never told anyone, not even my grandma, out of fear of getting in trouble. she always accused us of being overly sexual and gave especially harsh punishments around her perception of us being “boy crazy”…

suddenly, i see everything from our childhood differently. it all makes sense. and my head has been spinning all day. on one hand, it doesn’t really change anything since i never knew who my dad was anyway. but on the other hand, it makes me wonder if we would be here if my grandma had known how we were conceived. she always loved us and we never wanted for anything. but. i can’t help but wonder. i have sympathy for the little girl who was pregnant with twins, but it doesn’t negate the abuse she subjected me and my sister to. sigh.

anyway, this is why i’m tired growing up and of learning new things about myself! i’ve already scheduled an appointment with my therapist.