Been at the same comms job for nearly five years. It started out low key, but the company is struggling to grow and has made every project arduous, unnecessarily stressful, and you can never get from start to finish without a tidal wave of pivots, approvals, and triple-guessing every decision that needs to be made.
I've felt the burnout creeping in like a year and a half ago, but thought if I just stayed focused and not take the process so seriously, I'd get back to my old self. But in that time, I've gone from Strong to repeatedly Meeting Expectations, which as a high performer, has been really hard to deal with. It's getting to the point where I feel like I can't get anything right, can't remember things I've done a million times before, I'm having to get extra help, go on apology tours for missing obvious things, and it's now transitioned to panic attacks in the bathroom and crying at work. I feel like my brain is trying to kill me, and I'm suffocating on ruminating thoughts about what a terrible employee I've become.
On top of that, someone I trusted recently told me he wanted to "ruin everything" and I should let him grope me because he's been a "good friend" and I'm a tease. He'd been planting seeds for weeks w little comments, and has insisted on sharing a room (after I repeatedly told him I don't want to do that) on an upcoming trip we'd planned. That night he tried something – it triggered some old SA wounds, and I feel like I'm spiraling.
I'm 46f, been sober for nearly 4 years, started Wellbutrin around that same time, and live alone. I'm alone A LOT, and the stress and loneliness is getting to me. I can't think, I can't eat or sleep, and I don't know what to do. The idea of continuing this cycle is causing my body to shut down, and I'm actually kind of scared. I don't feel like I can tell anybody, but my boss has definitely noticed. I've never taken any kind of leave before, and I'm embarrassed that I'm so sad, freaked out, and stuck.
What do I do?
Pic: Crab salad w salt & vinegar chips on an Acme roll.