Pictured; White sauce pizza with ricotta, smoked Gouda, smoked ham and basil.
I have been with my current partner for 3 years. We had dated previously for a few months 9 years ago, and whenever we were single we would hook up and he would ultimately ghost me. 3 years ago I was really sick, and we had started to reconnect. I was honest with him from the get go that I wasn’t going to be like dating another person. I was in and out of the hospital a lot, going in for procedures and doctor’s appointments multiple times a week.
He said that he loved me for me and wanted to support me. He was saying and doing all the things I didn’t feel worthy of at the time. So we jumped in head first and moved in with each other a couple months after starting to talk again. And things were okay for a while. But I could tell the caregiver fatigue was hitting for him. As I started to get healthier and able to do more, I did what I could to help him. I also started paying for 80% of our living costs so he could catch up on debt. But over time something just started to feel off… he wasn’t saving any money, he was spending what I had hoped he would use to pay down debt. And then the emotional outbursts started. And I mean full on starfish on the floor flailing and crying.
My partner had a horrible childhood. Physical and mental abuse, CSA and literal abandonment. So for a while I told myself that now that he was in a safe space and able to be vulnerable, these behaviors were slipping out. But they never really got better. I would have to do hours and hours of emotional labor to talk him down from these meltdowns. Eventually I found him a therapist and he begrudgingly went. But it became apparent that he wasn’t using therapy to work through anything. Anytime I voiced my concern about his behavior, he would get upset and start yelling and shaking. He once told me he couldn’t stand me. He started telling me he was experiencing trauma responses everyday, but wouldn’t seek out any trauma informed programs. (Let it be known, I did a trauma informed program 11 years ago and it was one of the hardest and most rewarding things I’ve ever done to better myself) I begged him and provided him resources and he continued to say he was fine and didn’t need help.
Eventually I told him that couples therapy was nonnegotiable. So he begrudgingly went. And our couples therapist is amazing. She really pushes both of us to be better for ourselves as well as each other. But we have seen no progress with his behavior. I still get yelled at almost daily. If he drops a water bottle on the floor he will literally start shaking and hyperventilating.
It came to a head recently when we were going over our boundaries for an ENM relationship. (Please, if you do not support that, don’t send me hate) He had gone on a date with the intention of eventually ‘getting laid’. I date to make friends and see where things go. He (in his words) got ‘friend zoned’ and had a crying meltdown that ENM isn’t for him and it never was… after 1 date. He then went on to say that putting effort into talking to people and going on dates is just so much and it’s exhausting. But like. I’m people too? He’s also been using lots of verbiage like ‘you’re mine’, etc. and it makes me feel like property.
So last week I decided I wanted to break up. I talked to my therapist and our couples therapist separately and they both agree that I’ve come really far and need to do what’s best for myself. And I WISH it was that easy. Because when I got up the nerve to bring up the idea to him, he started spiraling. He asked me to help him find an emdr therapist (after I’ve been giving him resources for 9 months) and that he knows he has fucked up and treated me wrong and he’s going to show me he’ll do better. Yesterday he was clinging to me and kissing me and touching me and I felt just. so gross. He keeps asking if it’s too late and I can’t answer him. The thought of hurting him is awful. But I know part of that is the manipulation of getting me to stay. And we live together in a house I own. I feel like I’m going to vomit when I think about the horrible energy that will be in this house while we still live together and are broken up. I’m all he has outside of friends.
I want to do what’s best for me, but what’s best for me feels awful. (Sorry this is such a rambly mess, I’ve barely slept in the past week and everything just hurts.)