TW: car crash
girl dinner: airplane food
really long and heavy rant today. a few days ago i was driving my friends when we got into a sudden T-bone collision with another car. for my own mental health i’m not going to go into the details and what exactly went down. thankfully, everyone from both cars came out unscathed apart from a few bruises. we couldn’t say the same for the cars unfortunately, but they did what they were made to do by protecting us.
being one of the drivers involved is taking a serious mental toll on me and i am so tired of it. constant what-ifs pop into my head, replays of the moments before/during impact i try to suppress, and the crushing guilt of putting my friends into such a traumatic situation AND totalling my parents’ car. i wasn’t exactly at fault, but it isn’t too clear for me especially since i’m the type to naturally blame myself for something this dire. for insurance and the police report though, my dad and i fought/are fighting to ensure i’m not at fault for it.
the night after the crash i decided to go to the ER because i wanted to get checked. my country has atrocious ER wait times, so i was there 1am-1pm, didn’t get any sleep or proper rest after the crash. after the ER it was the police station, after that i had to go on an important errand. there was no time to rest or process anything and it sucked. then the day after all that, we travelled abroad as we had been planning to visit family for some time, hence the plane food as girl dinner. i’ve just been so busy since the accident i feel like there hasn’t been time to properly rest and process. I’ve been nonstop running around, i’m only just typing this before going to bed for my first night abroad.
despite everything, i’m infinitely grateful to have the support around me. my friends who were with me said they don’t blame me at all and still love and care for me, they’re checking in constantly and even told me they still would trust me driving them around after this incident, which means a lot but do i really deserve that trust? my parents aren’t mad at me either, which was sadly one of my first worries when i escaped the scene and looked at the state of the car. i’m just praying we can get another good one in its place, i was really attached to that car. it sucks that i still feel so undeserving despite all the support but i know it’s normal after such a traumatic event.
i just don’t want to keep thinking about it. i don’t even want to begin on how i’ll feel about driving after this. there’s so much in my life going on to occupy my mind but it’s still not enough, the thoughts of the crash still seep into the empty spaces in my mind. it’s still fresh, i guess.
for anyone who has had to deal with a similar situation, how did you overcome it?