i finally left my husband. i am going back and forth between loving him, but remembering he was not right for me.
for starters, he lied about everything before we got married. i told him some dealbreakers i had and i only found out once i had gone through his phone. then, i found out he was flirting with girls he had been friends with the whole time we were dating. i consider this cheating, even though he said it wasn’t. then i found out he wanted to sleep with every single woman friend he kept around him. and i was shocked. i tried to leave him right after this, but i got sucked back in to his lies.
then i found out he had a porn addiction and it was causing him to have erectile dysfunction. that was insane, he’s 25… i’m 24… this shouldn’t really be happening right now. i should’ve known when we would be having sex for over 30 minutes and he still wasn’t finishing. i started blaming myself and crying a lot, thinking it was because of me and how i looked. spoiler alert: it isn’t about me, he is a very lustful man with no self control.
it was also really scary to discover his obsession with “mom son incest porn” as well as “stepmom porn” considering he has a problematic relationship with both his mom and stepmom. a lot of people had told me i looked like his biological mom, i had just shrugged it off. then he told me i really reminded him of his mom, which was weird, but now it’s even weirder.
he also made us live paycheck to paycheck, yelling at me that we had no money for dates or to go out, but i didn’t want to spend money either. i just wanted to spend some time outside with him, but his only idea of hanging out was watching movies together or playing video games. he worked once a month and refused to get another job that would help us significantly. he would get mad at me for not helping, but i am still taking my licensing exams and don’t have a proper job either. he had no ambition or cure for his laziness.
he also emotionally neglect me, he would call me names, cuss me out, yell at me, leave me to cry alone while he went out or went to the other room. it was sad. i don’t know what else to say right now, but i am just sad. i guess i miss the potential of what he could’ve been, i really tried to help him get over his addictions and his bad choices, but he kept telling me he felt judged. i just wanted to help him, but he was comfortable drowning in his own poor choices.
i gave him the exact playbook he needed to help win me back, to help better his life, but he didn’t even try. he didn’t seem to care to, he said “why bother? you’ll get mad in a few weeks again anyway.” then he tried to come last week with his father to talk to my parents and me, but i said no. i have given him enough chances, he chooses to not want to change.
sometimes i wish him well, but sometimes i hope he ends up alone forever, remembering he lost a woman who loved him deeply. i still miss the small good in him, but i know he wouldn’t make me happy. a tiny part of me still loves him, but it’ll pass. i wonder if i’ll ever find the kind of love i want, without lust and simply being enamored with one another, but this seems impossible lately. and i also wonder if my ex husband will ever change.
food pictured: strawberry matcha and pastrami sandwich, very yummy 🙂