Hi! Potential trigger warning because my new boyfriend (25M) has a lot of red flags but also a lot of green flags and I’m conflicted. For some backstory, I (25M) am an autistic woman who before meeting him was a virgin because I’ve had a lot of health complications with my vagina (had to have a hymenectomy, vaginismus, possible endometriosis, etc.)
Let me start with my red flags or mistakes I’ve made in the relationship so you get both sides. I didn’t mention having had cold sores in the past until after the first time we did stuff, because I haven’t had a cold sore in years, but he was quite upset and I had to spend a lot of time fixing that. I now have to take Valtrex everyday whenever we’re together to prevent spread even if I don’t have a breakout. I also made a joke about Men’s Mental Health Awareness month being in the same month as Pride month and it needed to find a new month, which he was very offended by and I spent a lot of time apologizing and learning to do better. Lastly, he dislikes me using the word ‘ghetto’ to describe places because I am white and he thinks it has a bad connotation coming from me so I agreed to not say it anymore.
Now, his green flags. I am autistic and have had a lot of issues regarding my sexuality and relationships. I’m very awkward when it comes to affection and I am inexperienced when it comes to sex. I’ve tried my hardest to adjust and he has been so so patient and understanding with all of it. We finally had sex with a lot of work to cure my vaginismus enough to be able to do it and he asked me multiple times if I wanted to stop before finishing which I thought was considerate. He also is always hyping me up and being supportive because I’ve had a rough couple months. He has been my #1 support through a rough and traumatic experience that left my life completely changed. Or at least, he has been most of the time.
Now, his red flags. I used to do drugs in high school, but haven’t in over 5 years. But whenever I bring up a story from my childhood that might mention drugs, he asked me to give him a trigger warning before mentioning the drugs. I understand this to an extent, except he hasn’t done drugs and neither has anyone in his life (i’ve asked). So the trigger warning need comes purely from being uncomfortable with my past and the fact that I used to use drugs. He also a couple months later asked me to do the same thing when I want to talk to him about my friends. They were overwhelming me for a while and I would vent to him but after a couple weeks, he told me to ask him before venting about my friends. I went to vent about my friend guilting me into coming over and then was like ‘are you okay to talk about this?’ and he said ‘i’m fine right now but i’ll pass’.
He is also very kinky, and we have similar kinks. I’ve tried to be accommodating to his kinks but I’m new to sex and everything so there have been a few things that are hard. We came up with a safe action which would be me snapping. Which on the first day of us meeting, he ignored completely and I actually ended up in the hospital as a result (long story). He apologized for it since, but also talks about how hot it was to him to ignore me when I was using the safe action. He also pulls my hair really hard and it ended in me crying one night and he promised he wouldn’t be as rough. Then, the last time we did something sexual together, he slapped me in the face. It caught me off guard, especially because days before he asked me about my dad and childhood and I confessed to him how my dad was abusive my whole childhood and I have a decent amount of trauma from it.
I’m mostly looking for insight because I feel safe around him with my autism and he’s understanding and patient and kind a lot of the time. But then again, I feel like I’m constantly censored and questioning things I say and do around him because he’s expressed so many things he doesn’t like that I say or talk about. And then there’s everything with the sex. I can’t tell if he’s just kinky and stuff or if it’s too far. Thank you to anyone who read thing. I appreciate it so much.
Dinner was a homemade imitation crab seafood boil I made 😛
EDIT:::: I want to edit this after reading the comments and clarify something. When he ignored my safeword, we were doing something sexual in nature but we were NOT having sex or doing anything penetrative. I don’t want to sound like I’m defending him but he didn’t rape me. Assault I can get behind but I don’t know the rape comments were kind of sending me into a spiral so I wanted to clarify that. Also, I didn’t give context to the hospital thing because it had to do with a kink I am into but am extremely embarrassed of and didn’t feel comfortable sharing with the whole internet so I’m sorry for not providing more context but it’s very personal and embarrassing for me. Also, I’m sorry to everyone saying I was like baiting them or that I’m like stupid for feeling safe. Unfortunately it is my current real situation and I lost my virginity to him and have been talking to him for 8 months. He’s helped me through a LOT of shit and has been someone who has supported me through it so he’s become very special to me and I’m just having a hard time with that.