i know what i’m supposed to think and feel when im around people. i know what to say. i don’t complain when someone pisses me off (if it’s understandable). i feel like im playing in a role as myself all the time. i act cheerful most of the time and am genuine when i need to. but i’m still choosing my words and my facade. and what has all this work gotten me?
barely anything. i haven’t had a group of female friends since a bad friend group breakup in high school, and i yearn for that special sort of bond. my current group of mainly male friends cancelled on a big world cup watch party after i especially took time off work for it. one of them even said he forgot it was even happening and made other plans. it feels even worse because ive told that specific male friend that i wanted more female friends, and ever since hes been jokingly (not jokingly) telling me i seriously need to lock in on making female friends. it stings and i just laugh it off
all of my female coworkers hang out outside of work, but im not a part of their group because i dont want to self invite. i wish i could be friends with them. they’re all gorgeous and nice; i feel like a weird ugly duckling in comparison. i hate that i always have to market myself to other people and make the first move. i feel awkward all the time. i just want to find a girl i can click with and hang out with.