((Bahama Buck's Dreamsicle Delight; had a few bites before driving home to finish it.
So here's the thing: got out of a long term relationship around 3 years ago. There was no physical intimacy for 2 outta the 3 years I was in that relationship; he wanted it to be barbie doll smooth to go down on me & didn't know how to stimulate me otherwise- so we tried toys which he wasn't into, & he wouldn't try new sex stuff with me to see if we could get that spark. It was awful & a real stressor of our relationship because I want to have pleasurable sex and he wouldn't do anything to try and fix our sex life!!! (The relationship also had HUGE communication issues, including gaslighting. We were frankly just incompatible & I broke it off for my own sanity. Literally hate that I was with him for so long & I put myself through that. Never again.)
After I called off the engagement, I was just looking for hook-ups since I wanted sex, not a new relationship (yet). Hadn't had an issue finding guys, but their performance was always lacking. No foreplay. Can't finger. Can't eat out. Getting ahead of me. Just thrusting and moving my legs all about. Horrid. And the ones who did know a thing or two? Wanted to fold me like a pretzel, weren't over their ex, too eager to fuck me to the point where I felt uncomfortable. It was like being pulled between two extremes!! Unsatisfied or Too Much Baggage. I got off the apps and tried just being single, without sex, just personal pleasure.
There were a few guys I saw more than once/dated since:
One guy I went for who was older than me (F22 & M29 at the time). It was good, I felt safe- but he would drunk text me about how he was thinking of his ex but nooo, he wanted to see me & she wasn't important. I wasn't going to deal with that so I lost his number.
I was with a situationship from work for a while, on and off across a year or two. He would see me when he wasn't with his on-again, off-again gf. I didn't know at first they were like that; I got with him after one of their break-ups, & they later got back together so he had me blocked since she would go through his phone. I later switched jobs, so I didn't see him unless he messaged me asking to come over when they eventually would break-up again. Because of this back & forth, I would always have a moral dilemma every now again and wouldn't see him for months, anywhere from 2-6 at a time, before I would crave good sex again and reach out to him. I'm not proud of being the side chick, but I wanted the sex more than what I was thinking of myself at the time. Last year I told myself I was not gonna go back to him & I haven't since; he is blocked on Snapchat & has never tried to contact me via cell phone (pretty sure he deleted my contact at some point cuz of his gf).
There here was also one guy I was exclusive with for about 6 months. I thought we were dating, but he didn't wanna be bf & gf even after 4 months of being exclusive. Eventually he said we could be, but didn't wanna meet any of my family. After a point, I knew he didn't really want to be dating/together officially, but also was not communicating to me what he wanted. I tried asking him if we could talk and set expections, but he didn't want to. He dumped me long after & had the audacity to say, "I hope I didn't blindsided you," to which I blunty said, "Why did you think I tried to talk to you? I saw this coming."
I did not date or go on the apps for more than a year after that. I tried just scrolling here and there, but I would get the ick every fucking time so it wouldn't last more than a few days.
Now that there's been more time than every between me trying to see someone/even having any physical intimacy, I wanted to try again… I feel like I will never find what I'm looking for.
Firstly, Hinge has an AI to help with prompts so I'm fucking using that again- if you can't write something for yourself, that tells me all I need to know!! Also, idgaf if your profile is shit, as long as I know you wrote it yourself. I have since just been on Tindr- yesss, I know it's bad! -because I also don't wanna make a fuck ton of accounts to manage across multiple platforms. No thank you.
Secondly, onto the real reason I am writing this post, the last guys I have talked to & met up with just make me feel sexually objectified…
I'm F24, 5'2" petite hourglass figure. Every. fucking. Time. Men tell me, "OoOoHh, you're sooo tight." MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE MY HOLE IS AS SMALL AS I AM!! I'M PROPORTIONATE! IT'S GONNA BE FUCKING TIGHT YOU FUCKING MORON! 🤬☠️ I. hate. It. It's like when everyone hears my last name they say, "Oh so you're [ethnicity]" NO SHIT SHERLOCK.
TRIGGER WARNING: Vaginal bleeding | Additionally, some are just too large for me. Due to our size differences, which ofc they're not thinking about in that way, I would find I was bleeding after sex. They're stuffing a semi under a bridge with a 12" height advisory. It wouldn't hurt in the moment, I genuinely wouldn't know until I would go to the bathroom either, but ofc for my health I can't be with someone who's gonna tear me every time cuz they can't pace themselves…
ALSO!!! Don't get me STARTED on how the dirty talk is male-centered!! "Don't you wanna get wet for me?" "You're gonna feel so tight on my fat cock" "I can't wait to feel you lips on my cock" "You gonna take it like a good girl?" "You want me sooo bad" Bitch please. Flavorless. Unimaginative. Boring. What about me? "Sure, I can go down on you, if you want." <- has never eaten pussy in his life & clearly isn't thinking about my needs + unenthusiastic. "I could rub your clit" <- is rolling it around, frantic & hard, like he's dodging attacks in Hollow Knight. "I will make you cum," <- My body is gonna do that where I enjoy it or not- just cuz your pleasure is achieved peak at cumming =/= the same for me, and you would know that if you ever touched a woman the right way before. ALSO ALSO, Why do I even have to ask how you're gonna pleasure me?!?! Huh? Why isn't that part of your little script?? Not exactly enticing 🙄🤨
… Only the 3 guys above have been good sexual experiences. Only 2 of them knew how to eat a woman out. I've been with I think 10-12 people in total, all men. I recently talked to/meet up with 3 guys. The first keep biting on my lower lip every time we went in to kiss. The second kept saying the stuff above (you're so tight, you're so small, I'm gonna do XYZ to you next time, ect). The last told me I should play with myself to stay awake & get wet for him when I was trying to go to bed. I just can't keep doing this shit!!! Not a shred of courtesy when it comes to sexual stuff!! The men are all me, me, me! I don't wanna date, but I still deserve dignity! I don't need them to compliment me in some other way that's not sexual, they do that anyways. I just want someone who clearly is considering me in the sexual exchange.
This also isn't everything contributing to these feelings.
On multiple occasions now, I have had guys say they wanna be friends with me, but once I stated I only want to be friends, nothing more, they shut me out. Ofc that's a them problem for not being able to be platonic with a woman. But it's frustrating to feel like every guy I meet at work who I develope a "friendship" with is only trying to fuck me. (I have only lived where I am for about 4 years. I don't go out a lot, or when I do I'm with family, so I don't really make friends organically- or it's the old "lets stay in touch", I reach out to plan something, nothing every happens and they just drift away).
Everything just compounds to make me feel like my body is the only thing men want from me.
I have tried seeking women as I do find them romantically attractive so I want to explore sexually with them, but I haven't matched with any and don't go out as I don't drink & hate going into the city, so meeting organically hasn't happened either in that department. I live in a progressive area so I could meet them in the wild, but I also have a baby face and often get mistaken for a teenager so that doesn't help my case either. 🫠
TL;DR Was engaged with no sex for 2 outta 3 years of the relationship –> did hook ups after I called it off, but either left unsatisfied or feeling unsafe seeing them again. Had a few flings, nothing worth sticking around for. Stopped having sex altogether for a year. Am trying to get back into it but just feel objectified and men will never see me for anything beyond sex.