My (32M) partner and I (30F) have been together for several years (been living together for 3 years), and earlier this year we were actively talking about getting engaged. In March, he even bought me a ring online. We ended up returning it because neither of us loved it, and I've been looking at other rings since then. Both of our families and close friends know we've been talking about engagement, and very excited.
But over the last few months, everything has changed.
He doesn't want to talk about marriage anymore. Tonight he finally opened up and admitted that he's afraid of marriage because of his past. He grew up surrounded by a lot of family trauma, including his parents' multiple marriages, and he worries about repeating those patterns.
The hard part is… I understand that fear because I have similar fears from my own upbringing. We both have a lot of anxiety surrounding marriage. The difference is that I've always wanted to be the person who breaks that generational cycle instead of letting it define my future.
Tonight he told me he sees us falling into our parents' patterns, and that's what scares him. I’m not sure what he meant by that because we are nothing like our parents or their failed marriages. I tried asking him more about what he meant,but he changed the subject. He just told me he only wants to be with me and only me.
But I'm still devastated.
In the spring he seemed genuinely excited about proposing. Now he almost shuts down when marriage comes up. It feels like something shifted, and I can't help but feel rejected, even though he says it's about his fears and not about me. He insists this isn't about wanting someone else or not loving me. He has never made me think otherwise until now.
Dinner: Thai chicken basil