dinner: really good bannoffee waffles i ate the other day
this is my first time posting (kinda nervous)
i don’t know what to do, i feel really lost rn. ive been dating this guy who was the best boyfriend ever, and better yet the best person ever. when i say he was perfect i mean like perfect—everybody loves him, he’s so kind and funny, and treats me so well. which all just makes me feel a lot worse about breaking up with him.
i feel like ive mentally been making excuses about why i broke up with him (how we’re leaving to different colleges in a month and there’s distance, as well as both of have agreed we need to be more serious about school because our senior year of high school we took it so laid back because of one another). but i feel so guilty about what i see as the real reason. so much of this wasn’t that i didn’t want the relationship itself but more of that it didn’t fit in my timeline of where i see my self academically, socially, and romantically. it’s like i want him but i don’t want to be dating seriously right now. i kept feeling like i couldn’t explore dating because he’s the first guy i ever dated (im not his first which idk if that’s changes things). the best way i could put it into words is i felt so lucky i found someone so perfect but so unlucky it happened when it did. but i always subconsciously felt like i was making this sacrifice. and i feel so effed up saying that, i know that makes me the villain. and that’s why i felt like i had to end things because it wasn’t fair to him when he doesn’t see me like that at all. because not being with other people shouldn’t be seen as a sacrifice but as a given but i just couldn’t shake the feeling and i feel so terrible about it.
i don’t know who to talk to this about with. none of my close friends have been in a serious relationship except one and she’s currently celebrating her anniversary with him. and everybody i’ve told has been apologizing to me for not being able to understand but i feel like i should be the one apologizing because it’s fully self inflicted.
and i guess what adds to the sucky guilty feeling is that he was so nice about it. i told him everything honestly and he understand and he wished me the best and he told me he still loved me even if it couldn’t be romantic and i feel the same towards him. but seeing him turn off his location and not being able to call him anymore just makes me feel so lonely and it’s not his fault. im sorry there’s so many run ons, i just want to let it all out.
i’ve always been someone who believes “right person, wrong time” exists from circumstances and just life generally, but i never thought i’d experience it (that is assuming i’m experiencing it and im even deserving of him in some alternate timeline)