For a little context, I am an 18-year-old girl, and I recently got into college. I have always been a little depressed, and I have never been a popular kid with many friends. Growing up during quarantine had a huge negative impact on my mental health. A few years back, I had to go to therapy, and I started taking medication. For a while, I did feel better, but since the beginning of the year, I have been feeling so sad and alone.
Things started to get worse two months ago because my college went on strike, and I had to go back to my hometown, which is a very religious small town where everyone knows each other. I have had my fair share of struggles with my sexuality. I really like girls, and I force myself to like men just to satisfy everyone in the town where I grew up, even though my family (more so my mom, and not at all my dad) is very supportive of me liking girls. Side note: my parents have been separated since I was born, and I live solely with my mom.
This past month has made me feel so worthless and depressed. I have been getting drunk practically every day to deal with the stress, but I have gotten to a point where I genuinely want to S H. Yesterday, I accidentally broke a wine glass, and I felt so guilty about it that I cut my finger with a broken piece of it just to be able to feel something, and the worst thing is that I want to do it again…
I am very scared, and I don’t want to ask my mom for help because she has her own struggles and I feel so guilty for feeling the way I do. I have vented to all of my friends, and I feel like a burden in everyone’s lives. I really don’t know what to do, and I don’t think that I can keep up the act of being the perfect daughter for much longer.