Soft boiled egg with crème fresh and caviar
Edit for context:
We have been off and on for 3 years. It was intense from the start future talk, feeling like we really saw each other. Then it ended abruptly and instead of just walking away, he started sending messages like this:
“You are nothing to me you are a secret coke whore barfly that can't act how she looks. You are as shallow as your fake friends without the ability to pull. You used to be really ugly and now that you have a nice little body you can't control yourself. Two drinks turns you into the biggest hoe in Ohio but like always you lie to yourself and others and say you're being friendly. Nothing is your fault and you don't "know" or remember anything. You talk like a gay black man and love David lynch just like every other bar fly in every mid size city across the nation. I only stayed because you are the only play I have because I actually hate what you parasitically claimed to hate while participating in the entire time. You are going to hopefully be exactly like your cat lady aunt and not like your mother leaving your future kid outside the plugs house.
It's so easy not to do the bullshit that you do but no you will exchange your selfish fun for every poor bastard's trauma you trick until you're not able to. Do not worry about any of this though you are EXACTLY like every other piece of shit that can't spend one month without a new lover. This is exactly why no one is taking women seriously anymore. You cry about incel shit all day and then have fiery passion for guys who literally do the things you blame incels for”
This isn’t a one-off. When he’s angry, it turns into an attack my appearance, my drinking, my friends, my family, predictions about who I’ll become. It doesn’t feel like someone hurt trying to explain their pain. It feels aimed.
I keep asking myself why, like there’s a version of this that would make sense if I understood it better. I’m starting to think there isn’t one. I don’t think I’m the person in these texts, but it’s hard not to carry them anyway.
I don’t know how I ended up here. It’s sad I never thought I’d be someone who felt this pathetic, this unlike myself, until all of this happened. But I think that’s the thing nobody tells you: you don’t know how you’ll act in an abusive relationship until you’re actually in one. You think you’d leave sooner, see it clearer, protect yourself better. Then you’re in it and you’re just trying to survive the version of yourself it turns you into.
Not looking for advice necessarily, just needed to put it somewhere.