yummy bread.
just like the title, my boyfriend found a sextape of me from nearly 5 years ago. tw: sa.
the first time he found it was over a year ago after my phone bugged out and completely reset itself. i gave him all my passwords so he could help me recover my work and documents. while going through my google photos he found the video. i had completely forgotten it even existed. he knew who the guy was and knew he had forced me to make it, so i deleted it right in front of him and we moved on.
two days ago i asked him how to free up storage on my email while he was using my laptop. i'm hopeless with phones and laptops, so he usually just does these things for me. while looking through my files he found that video from the same day and year again. he immediately started calling me a liar and said i must've secretly restored it because if i had really deleted it, it would've been permanently gone after 30 days. i genuinely have no idea how it got there.
for the past two days he's been saying i wanted the video there despite my constant denying and reassuring. he told me that when he accidentally clicked on it, it looked like i was enjoying it, and now he's questioning other things i've told him too and calling me untrustworthy. he's been saying i make him sick, insecure and uncomfortable and insinuated i lied abt every compliment ive ever given him.
back then i was so scared of that man that i slept in my apartment bathroom for 6 months because he knew the building security and i was terrified he'd come back. whenever i said no or pushed him away, he'd become aggressive and physical. i would never willingly keep a video with a person like that.
i got so desperate that i contacted the guy's childhood friends, old colleagues, and people who knew what happened and had helped me out of it back then. they helped me recover old photos of my bruises, screenshots of conversations, and the guy admitting to once coming over when i was asleep to c– on my face then leaving before i woke up. i even begged my boyfriend to talk to them himself, but he refused because he didn't want to read or hear "lies."
after i practically forced him to look at the evidence, he finally believed that i was sa'd. but he still doesn't believe i didn't knowingly keep the video. he says i'm still lying about that, but when i questioned him on why i would keep a video of someone that did me so wrongly, he kept saying i don't know.
i asked him if i had ever unknowingly betrayed him in any way or had made him feel anything less than the best for him to have so much anger and distrust towards me, and he said no. in a really disgusted voice and look he questioned on why i would start now. ive been spamming him with paragraphs of reassurance but all he does is say that we're over and that he can't look at me anymore.
i understand why this looks suspicious from his point of view, but i feel like i'm being punished for something i didn't even know is there anymore. it feels like the person who hurt me is succeeding in ruining me again years later and i've been having panic attacks trying to get him to believe me, and he says i'm making it about myself. i genuinely don't know what else i can do anymore.
update: i came here looking for advice but ended up getting a completely different response. thank you all for being so honest with me. i've been pretty zoned out and have gone almost mute. to clarify, he has always been there for me. from day one, he believed everything i said and always stood by me through my sa, issues with my family, school, work, and even the times i was in the wrong (though he'd call me out in private). we lived pretty much in harmony until now, which is why ireacted the way i did. i wasn't expecting the indifference. it's over whether i want it to be or not. secretly deep down, i wish it wasn't. i'll miss my best friend. hope he finds healing just as much as i hope i do.