Shin Ramyun (Topped w/ Buldak Sauce, Chopped Scallions, Chopped Seaweed & Sesame Seeds.
I’m so tired of hearing “you’re so young! You have so much time/potential!” It doesn’t feel that way. It feels like I’m stuck. Like I’m in this constant loop of stretching myself thin for the things/people I love. I feel this extreme guilt and pressure to do everything and anything I can for my family, with what little of them I have. There aren’t many people outside of my immediate family. I feel that without them, I have nothing. Without them, I am no one. Regardless of our faults, I’m certain I wouldn’t be the person I am today without them. I’d give them the earth, moon, and stars. I love them with all my heart and soul. However, with that being one of my key morals, I feel I haven’t had any real “me” time. Any time to explore. And I’m further turned away from doing so when my small attempts turn into big regrets. (For example, trying to use sex as a distraction (which idk why..I’ve literally only been w/ 3 ppl I have 0 skin in the game lmfao.) only to end up with my first UTI 😭.) I haven’t lived alone once in my life. I shut myself away and delve into whatever game, job, activity, or hobby I’m currently obsessing over. If I’m not doing something for my family, I’m bending over backwards to do the bare minimum for myself, like buying a game or an ice cream or something. Even after busting my ass all day, I’ll screw myself over even more by staying up till I hear birds chirping. For just a little bit more “me-time.” Where no one expects anything of me. Where everything’s quiet, and I can just think, breathe, and emote without thinking someone can see/hear me, or somehow knows what I’m thinking. I feel so guilty but also so happy and free. It’s a never-ending cycle.
I feel like I have 0 friends, and time is passing me by. I’m currently unemployed and just taking any odd jobs I can. I broke up with my ex of 2 years (who was my first bf and kinda my only friend) on my 20th bday. He responded by completely avoiding taking any accountability and making it appear to our mutual friends (not so mutual anymore, lol.) like I did something terrible to him. Which caused them to also shut me out as well. The only reason I even broke up with him is because he yelled at me on my birthday over something that was completely out of my control, then proceeded to talk to my mom in an extremely rude/sarcastic way. As mentioned before, I live for my family. And he knew that. I was willing to forgive him for the yelling. But I feel involving my mom was just too far. I then realized he also had a lot of healing to do, and would constantly do little toxic things that stemmed from his past (getting super jealous, muttering slick comments about how he’s “not sure what else I could be so busy with, since I’m unemployed” 🥲).
I tried moving on, did more jobs, journaled, found a new fuck buddy / fwb (who, unfortunately, is incredibly dry, has “commitment issues”, and gave me a yeast infection ), etc., still feel like I’m getting nowhere. I am definitely neurodivergent in some way, shape, or form, especially considering others in my family are diagnosed/listed as being neurodivergent. I’m so annoyingly shy, yet I feel like I make stupidly rash decisions, ending in even worse situations, and admittedly, all while being extremely gullible. I think I’ll meet a nice guy, but just turns out he’s horny. I think I’ll meet a nice girl, but actually, she just wants a threesome with her bf or to make out when we’re drunk. Not to say that relationships are my focus, just that even in my attempts to “live a little,” it somehow goes tits up in the most bizarre way. I have so many interests with 0 execution ideas. I wanted to go to school for graphic design, but I feel like my degree might go to waste with all this AI stuff.
I just feel so alone. I don’t have any close girlfriends that I can really talk to for advice. I can only think of two people who might really “know” me, and even then, I feel like I can’t tell them all of my “problems” and the things I go through. I also don’t want to seem like I’m just some negative Nancy. I love being alive. I love learning new things. I love meeting new people and “falling in love” with their personality. But at the moment, I feel like I’m just floating through space. No one hiring, no one interested, no close talks, no communication, no intimacy..nothing. And I have no clue where to start. I don’t know what to get a degree in. I’m not sure how to make friends without coming off as weird. I don’t know how to talk romantically to guys. I don’t know how to talk to women either.
I just want direction. I just want someone to want to talk to me. To be around me without wanting something FROM me. Sounds pathetic, I know. Just what my dumb people-pleasing brain wants. I know I don’t NEED these things. At the same time, is it such a bad thing to want them? To want some idea of where to go? To crave some type of connection that doesn’t stem from deception? Are those things hopeless to wish for? Sometimes I feel like they are. Sometimes I feel like my brain is buzzing. I’m not sure when it started, and I’m not sure it’ll ever stop.
These spicy noodles are really comforting tho.
TLDR: girlfailure whines about being a girlfailure 👍