***TW brief nonexplicit mention of su*cide***
Sorry, this is a really long rant.
I've always been the more awkward and serious older sibling and she's always been seen as the more outgoing one by my parents and by people. She's certainly more "girly" and was more popular in high school than I was (lululemon/alo fiend, stanley cup, works at Hollister, etc.) I'm not a tomboy by any means but I just leaned into the whole girlhood thing at a much later time than she did. So as a result, I think she kind of has this lingering mentality that she's more "developed" than I am, or superior in a social/material sense, treating me in a way that makes that very clear.
Over time, she's developed a serious younger sibling syndrome. Unsure of what to do or how to naturally break the ice, she will act childish, punching my dad really hard and acting like she's playing, and my dad plays along because he knows she's playing, though he does say it hurts a lot. However, it goes beyond that.
Since we've been kids, I don't think a sincere apology or word has ever left her mouth. This is not an exaggeration. It's driven me crazy, because when we're trying to have a meaningful discussion about some behavior of hers, she'll very obviously be detracting from the conversation, e.g. rolling her eyes, looking anywhere but us, inspecting some random item that was on the table. It's almost comically bad acting, and seeing her blatant disrespect towards not only me but my parents just fills me with rage. When you're in arguments with her, you can try your best to calmly explain the situation, how you feel about it, and try to work with her to find a solution. Try all we want, I think she is genuinely incapable of comprehending or rebutting any kind of cerebral discussion. This isn't an insult, I feel sorry for her because this is a genuine observation.
My dad is stubborn and will decide on only absolute and sometimes blunt verdicts, and my mom's fatal flaw is fawning until my sister has emotionally drained her to depression. They tend to jump to conclusions, but at the end of the day they are both extremely reasonable and surprisingly lenient for Asian parents, and I've figured out how to connect to them and express my feelings and thoughts. My sister has not.
To be clear, my parents definitely were not the best parents, but I testify that they were NOT abusive. Just emotionally stunted. They did not hit us, deprive us, or verbally abuse us. If anything, they just didn't really know what they were doing, they were the typical 1st gen Chinese parents who have never experienced the typical "American childhood". They both also came from difficult family situations. My dad came from a physically abusive household, and he's said he does not want anything like that for us. My mom's parents shipped her off to boarding school as soon as they could, and it's broken my heart to hear that in 50 years, she's never been hugged by her own mother. She is the kindest and most giving person I know. Despite their experiences, they are able to care for and support us and provide us with whatever we want and beyond, which I am extremely grateful for and considering what they came to America with, they have worked extremely hard to be where they are today.
When I was away for college, on our weekly calls, my parents would occasionally complain a bit about what my sister was doing, but not too much. They mentioned she had a boyfriend, which to be fair, I had no experience with lol so this was a first time for them and I understood their uncertainty. My mom said how much she missed me, and our calls sometimes turned into therapy sessions. I've been my mom's therapist for a long time; she can't say some things to my dad because he can't say those kinds of things in a way that's palatable for her.
I never could have anticipated how bad it was in reality. When I came back from college, my parents were ecstatic to have me back, which I was happy to come home to but I wasn't aware of one of the true reasons why they were acting that way.
To be blunt, my sister has become infamous in high school for being a bitch. One of those popular girls who laughs during presentations, shows up late to school with starbucks, etc. She shit talks EVERYONE who she thinks is below her, fatter than her, uglier than her, etc. And sometimes they aren't even any of those things but she just dislikes them for petty, shallow reasons. I don't even know the names of her friends because that roster changes constantly and is diminishing by the day. She had a crush on a boy since 5th grade, but when she asked him to prom, he turned her down because of the reputation she has. Kind of ironic, asking him out has been maybe one of the only things she's genuinely cared about yet her actions ruined any chance she had. For the sake of her popular girl status, she needs a boy to go with. Her second choice was this other boy a year older than her. I'm not sure what happened, but I saw the promposal poster he made, and I felt kind of bad for her because it was really pathetic and low effort, I doubt she would have wanted to post it on instagram or if he would have asked her out if she didn't ask. They went to prom, and from then on, they've started dating.
My parents heavily dislike him. They've complained that he has no intention to go to college, will become a firefighter, doesn't have a job, and doesn't eat dinner with his parents. My mom said his mother has a blog talking about how to raise your children, which she finds ironic. No shame in not going to college, and I have little concern about his relationship with his parents, but I will point out that I don't particularly think he is a good influence on my sister, who has joked that he's a delinquent. I've heard separate rumors that he does shrooms and hangs around people who do hard drugs as well, but I haven't disclosed this to my parents yet because things are already tense and I don't really know when I should let that volcano erupt.
My sister no longer eats dinner with us at home, and is out all the time with her boyfriend doing god knows what. My parents have tried to give her the "no sex" talk, but I think that ship has already sailed; she's been caught putting blankets and pillows in the car and her location shows her in a parking lot for several hours late at night.
I really don't give a shit about what she does, not after she called asking me for advice on how to deal with our parents. I told her that she has to be patient, or if she really disagrees with them, at least pretend to be sincere. "Is this what you wanted someone to tell you when you were su.cidal?" That shut me up quick. This was completely unprompted, I had been initially happy that she wanted to ask me for help. This is another behavioral issue she has, she will say anything and everything to hurt you if she feels like she cannot articulate a counter to your argument. I'm not sure if she knows how to. But nothing is off the table when it comes to her. She will bring up things you did 5 years ago, even if they have absolutely nothing to do with the situation and if you sincerely apologize and acknowledge fault. She will nitpick the way you say things, even cruelly making fun of my parents' grammar mistakes or pronunciation even when english is their second (but fluent) language. She is willing to say whatever it takes to hurt you and make herself feel like she's won this twisted argument, but that's only because we aren't saying anything as horrible back, because we actually care about her. She treats our own dog better than she treats us, buying her numerous toys and treats yet refuses to walk her at all or help with any maintenance that come with the responsibility of having a dog, leaving it to my parents who both work time-consuming jobs.
I believe that she has this grand delusion that she will be able to afford this life of superficial luxury and live her dream life in her dream house with her boyfriend, have dogs and cats and whatever. I admire someone who has ambition, but ambition degrades into delusion when there is no work ethic or desire to pursue it.
To make it worse, she has awful spending habits. Immediately after receiving her paycheck, she blows it on lululemon, victoria's secret, shein, etc. Sometimes she had to ask my mom for parking money with $2.98 in her bank account. Whatever, at least it's her own income…? But when I came home, I was shocked at the amount of expensive clothes and makeup she had accumulated, and I was impressed that my parents were being so laid back and lenient. I should have known better.
It turns out she's stolen multiple $200-400 gift cards from my parents. We only found out because by chance, my mom found a few visa gift cards in her wallet that she didn't remember giving to my sister. This was puzzling, if my sister had bought it, why use that instead of her debit card? Well, that money wasn't hers. My mom recognized it as a gift card that had been missing from her own wallet for a while, and when we called the number on the card, it was all bullshit purchases of $78-dollar tennis skirts and hot yoga sessions. Then we started looking, and there was even more money missing. The emptied gift cards kept adding up, and we quickly realized this exceeded grand fucking larceny. My parents were furious, understandably, as they had no idea the cost of those clothes she was bringing home. But when they asked her how she had gotten the stuff given her destitute current financial situation, she had no answer. They asked her if she had anything to do with the missing gift cards, and she flew into a rage, yelling and screaming about how dare they accuse her of stealing money. I'm surprised how vehemently she stood by this lie, given we had actual receipt proof. They showed her, and to their shock, she shamelessly, plainly said that yes, she had taken them. But only two. BIG FAT LIE. And the reason why? Quote, "for revenge" because our parents were the reason why she was suffering socially right now. Now this was some fucking bullshit. I grew up in the same household and I was never taught to do this shit. What she is lacking is not social skills, this is a lack of basic human decency and empathy. This walking case of narcissistic personality disorder has forever held a grudge that she never had the stereotypical American childhood. Internalized racism is definitely a factor, she complains and asks us to speak only english at home, why can't we eat american foods (EVEN THOUGH WE DO), why my parents don't act the same way or have as many friends as her white friends' parents do, etc. My parents are extremely chill in terms of how Asian parents are, and don't even have any blatantly Chinese shit in our house. Anyone could look into our house and they might think we're white.
I can't recognize the little sister who I grew up with. I don't know what she wants right now, or if she thinks that this life she lives in the comfort and amenities and food in this house that she contributes nothing to, not even taking out the trash will last forever, which it will not. Her habits are not sustainable, not even on her boyfriend's paycheck. Also! That boy didn't even get into the firefighter program, so I don't even know what she thinks she's going to do. My parents are worried she'll do anything for money, if she's not above stealing money and lying to her own parents. They don't want to support her financially, and they've given up trying to influence her to do anything because she'll go out of her way to do the opposite. This is not normal, this is not a "teenage phase", I can't believe we even have to worry that she could get pregnant in high school.
My father is willing to cut my sister off completely. My mother is chronically depressed, living in a miserable house thinking it's her fault despite my many hours of counseling. I’ve set her up with a therapist specializing in familial issues. Emotionally removed from my sister as I have become, I am willing to take my father's approach, but I am genuinely scared that my mom might do something to herself. I don't even know what my sister will do or how she'll treat them, or how far she'll go to get what she wants. When I go back to college in another state, I will live a life that has nothing to do with my life at home, and I can forget my troubles and enjoy myself there. I know that I have my own path to travel down. But I can't escape the guilt, knowing I will have left my parents behind to deal with the aftermath of this shitshow.
I don't know what to do or if I should do anything at all. I wish things could go back to the way they used to be. There’s a lot more that she’s done, but I just put down what I could remember.
TLDR; My sister has burned all her bridges and has stolen hundreds of dollars from our parents. I don't know what to do.
Dinner: garlic seared chicken with baked potato slices and asparagus. First time making something like this and it was so good. Deglazing is a beautiful thing. I think I'll make it in my new apartment when I go back to college.