homemade blueberry pie w/ vanilla ice cream
My (31F) daughter is 7 years old and the best little girl in the entire world. she is so smart, polite, honestly beyond her lil years. it’s just me, her, and her daddy and we are the best trio. I wouldn’t trade this lil life for anything. I’m a teacher on summer break (I teach middle schoolers 🥲) and honestly repeating myself comes with the territory but damn. anyways I’ve always practiced calm redirection both at school and at home because I do feel like, even if it doesn’t work 50% of the time, at least my blood pressure isn’t raised and my nervous system stays in tact. Anyways, I always calmly redirect my daughter at home, “let’s remember to pick up our clothes in the bathroom…” “please remember your shoes do not go in the living room…” “don’t leave the back door open…” and the like. so she doesn’t listen. It really grits my gears and her dad helps, but honestly it’s mostly me and her at home together due to his job, so my redirecting is vital. We have talks with her about listening and doing better with keeping up with around the house. her chores are literally just let the dogs out in the morning… and pick up after herself. Snack trash, shoes, clean her room, etc. but like she can’t effing do it. ive had talks with her about why I need her to listen and to take some responsibility but it continues week after week. So this evening my husband tells me that the Amazon driver needs us to put up the dogs before he drives in our driveway. And I go outside, chase down our dogs, tell my daughter the delivery driver is coming and to keep the dogs inside. she goes outside to play and keeps the back door wide open right after I wrangle the dogs inside. The driver comes down the drive and the dogs bolt out the door. for the first time in 7 years, I lost my shit on her. I scream at her saying that my mom screamed at me all the time and I’m trying so hard to not do that to her childhood, but it’s so damn hard when I am so nice and diligent at redirecting and she. will. Not. Listen. I mean, this girl just starts balling at my crash out. I couldn’t stop! I unloaded about how I’m tired of being nice and still living in filth. I sent her to her room. My husband comes home and Heard some of it on the phone, and he gives me a hug and goes in my daughters room. I know he tells her that mommy doesn’t want to yell but our daughter not listening is getting really old.
i feel like me and her vibe so well and she’s so good and fun but im also not her friend. we are friends in a sense where i want her to feel like im her safe space, but there are boundaries and reprimands. I know how difficult it is to have such annoying kids who have no respect for teachers and authority and it’s never properly taught by their parents, and I don’t want to raise her that way. but sometimes I feel fried.
just wanted to unload. After I screamed my stomach hurt because it was like I used a muscle I never use. I don’t scream! I hate it and the way it feels. I’m going on a walk around the park soon to cool off. She’s already given me a hug and said sorry but I think a walk alone will do me even more good.
edit: I apologized to my daughter when she hugged me. I always make it a point to be very apologetic and empathetic to the people in my life that I guess I didn’t feel the need to specify to some people here. But I guess I do.
edit 2: wow so many amazing comments from those who know this feeling, both being yelled at and falling into the trap of yelling. It’s such a hard thing to parent in this world but after years of regulating myself, self reflection, repairing my nervous system, I know deep down I’m doing a great job, but no one is perfect. I know I said I wanted to go to the park and walk alone, but I ended up taking my daughter with me. I talked with her more and rehashed about my crash out and reminded her it’s never okay to be yelled at, even by me, and i apologized again.
to those who trolled my post with your judgement, you don’t bother me and I do appreciate the mods deleting pure hatred. It’s just not necessary. I’ve had so much darkness in my life that demeaning comments just don’t get under my skin. I’ve been at rock bottom, the lowest of the lows, and have come out almost invincible. I hope those of us who were screamed at constantly as kids have peaceful homes now. My husband has never once raised his voice to me and it’s been so healing for my nervous system. I hope that for all of you. 🤍 whether its peace by yourself, with calm roommates, easy going partners, I hope everyone has a soft place to land.