My partner Alan (36M) has a son, Nick (6M) who has become incredibly dear to me (Alan and I have been together around a year but knew each other many years prior). Kiddo could not possibly be sweeter when he’s around us. He’s unbelievably chatty, super tender and loving towards me and my dogs, cleans up after himself well, never throws tantrums, just a generally really jolly and sweet kid.
Alan and his ex (Anna) have a cordial co-parenting relationship but there’s definitely tension there (I’ve seen their communications and I think they’re both to blame, but Alan speaks kindly about her in front of Nick and waits until we’re alone to express frustrations). Alan is very affectionate with Nick when he’s with us. A few people (including Nick) have indicated that Anna is not particularly affectionate towards him, but I know she’s a responsible and attentive parent, maybe just busy.
This school year there were repeated calls from the school that Nick had been hitting and engaged in regular bullying behaviors. Nick told his parents it’s because he’s being bullied first, but teachers seemed…..skeptical. Alan was extremely upset and repeatedly called the school *blaming* the teachers for not being attentive enough. I had a conversation with Alan about how understaffed and underresourced teachers are and after he cooled down, he at least agreed that it would be more productive to work with them rather than against them. They had some good starting conversations but things fizzled when the school year ended.
Now today, we got a call that Nick has been banned from his summer learning program for starting more fights. It seems so clear to me that Nick is going through something and needs specialized attention (from us, his mom, a therapist, etc). But Alan is in total disbelief – he sees his son as a total sweetie pie and can’t believe he could possibly be the instigator. He doesn’t really want to do anything about it.
I’m not Nick’s parent and there’s no reason I should have a say, but I care about the kid a lot and I think this needs to be addressed, both for his sake and the kids around him. But Alan won’t budge. I don’t want to overstep, but I’m also totally uncomfortable listening to him minimize the situation and cast blame when I think his kid really needs help right now.
I’m starting to feel lonely in my relationship because it’s making me question his judgment in general. I’ll be spending a lot more time with Nick now that he’s out of the program, but I don’t know what to say even if I felt comfortable bringing it up. Our sweet little family unit feels precarious now.
Dinner: chaotic pb&j and cheese
EDIT: removed the Viking reference and I sincerely apologize for the impression my original post gave. Tried to rotate the photo at least but can’t seem to from my phone.
I would love advice for how to bring this up with Nick if anyone has some wisdom to share on the matter! Thanks for the kind responses and advice.