Sad girl dinner: chicken salad with pickle, couldn’t even eat.
I don’t really know why I’m posting this except that I have no one to talk to.
My husband and I have been together for 16 years. We have three children. Recently he told me that even if our marriage improved, he still wants another woman in his life because he wants the attention, the flirting, the honeymoon phase, and the excitement that comes with someone new. He told me I either accept that or we separate.
I know I’m not perfect. I struggled with depression for years. I withdrew, escaped into Xbox, stopped taking care of myself, and I know I hurt our marriage. He talked to me about it more than once, and sometimes I’d improve for a while, but I’d always seem to slip back. I carry so much guilt over that.
What I can’t stop wondering is whether I really destroyed everything, or whether it’s possible that even if I became the person he wanted today, it still wouldn’t change what he wants.
I feel trapped because every future I picture hurts. If we separate, I have to watch the man I’ve loved for 16 years move on with other women. If we stay together, I have to watch him have relationships with other women while coming home to me, and I’m supposed to keep pursuing him and hoping he’ll choose me.
I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve spent so long being a wife and a mom that I don’t know what’s left of me. I feel completely alone. I don’t have family or close friends to lean on, and I honestly don’t know how to imagine a future that doesn’t feel empty.
I’m not looking for people to tell me I’m right or that he’s wrong. I think I’m just looking for someone who’s been through something similar to tell me how you survived the feeling that your whole life fell apart overnight.
If you’ve ever had to rebuild your life when you didn’t even know who you were anymore, I’d really appreciate hearing how you got through it.