I've been with my bf for about 3 years since we both got out of the military. He knew I had severe depression and borderline personality disorder when we got together because I admitted that to him in confidence in our 3-4 month talking stage. It felt good having him in my corner when I was at that low stage of life because he actively listened to me, responded to my dilemmas with consideration and assurance, little things that my previous partners couldn't bother to do if it wasn't in their interest. He did more for me than what i thought was my own support circle at the time. When I left my home state to finish my last couple years of my military contract, they vanished from my life. I was the only one who reached out to the entire friend group every once in a while. They continued their life without me because I was out of sight and out of mind.
Four months after my bf and I got together, he came to stay with me after his contract ended. We started off long distance and moved in together too soon. I loved having him around for his support and my dog gained a man servant. She hated being alone throughout the day I'd be gone. So she did as huskies do and escaped her cage and occasionally our apartment to be wild and free. With him there, I had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders for her well being.
My bf had planned to go on a boy's trip across Asia for 3 weeks to celebrate his end of service. I wish he didnt plan to be gone for so long but I wanted him to enjoy himself. Even if he wanted to take me, I couldnt because I was saving my vacation time for terminal leave as a lot of service members do. I felt uneasy before he left and it wasn't because he was leaving. I had that intuition kick in and was scared that he was hiding something from me through odd behavior. The night I dropped him off at the airport, he left his laptop wide open. I took the risk to validate my suspicion and started going through his messages first. I found that he kept in contact with a lot of women he met overseas through dating apps. The one time I remember he was having personal issues and didnt get much into it was because he had one sided feelings for a coworker he hooked up with. There was another woman he was obsessed with because she ghosted him for not wanting to pursue a relationship with her after a few dates. At least two other girls he reached out to while we were dating and insisted they hang out with him before he left. Kept in touch with a girl he went to raves with while in California – who he couldnt let go of because he wanted to be her white knight because she was depressed and lost her fiance to mental health issues that year. I dont even know why I put in the effort to explain why his relationship with her was inappropriate and what microcheating and boundries are. I've confided in him about the abuse i experienced before him and still offered his community d*ck to people that dont actually want him. The girl from California never left his head even after confronting him for stalking her. She didnt even reach out to him like that, it was all one sided on his end. He stalked her profile when I wasn't looking along with his first gf's social media. The one he claimed to be narcissistic, manipulative and bird trained. His excuse was basically hoping to see if her life still sucks. He claims he was hurt by her the most and put his parents and ex-best friends from high school on that same pedestal, but he practically is her twin. My bf is insanely immature and just as manipulative as her. The main issue between them was having children. She wanted babies, he didnt. You would think that two grown adults would be sensible enough not to continue their relationship because of opposing goals, but she begged him to work it out with her. She did so in hopes that she can eventually convince him to have a baby together in the future. Instead of leaving her alone, he stayed to f with her for threatening to end herself if he left. All for the sake of being petty. I got fed up with how often he spoke about her because men that drag their exes after relationship ended aren't to be trusted. I reminded him every time he brought it up that he was in no position to be speaking about her the way he does when he indulged in her toxic behavior by staying and leading her on. Lying about considering it only to say no every no and then. He stopped bringing her up around me and dumped his unprocessed feelings to his friends when he would get into is feelings about how he thinks his life sucks.
There is a lot to unpack what happened to give context to the post title, but I may as well be writing a book about how he keeps screwing me over. The cheating happened on and off the entire 3 years, not all at once. I dont have anyone but my journal and therapist to confide in about all this, so naturally I have a lot to say.
Last week, my bf's best friend from New York stayed with us for an entire week. He was hesitant to do so because I told him i found out his bestie I caught him looking around for local escorts. He was furious because he said my bf always talks about how much he loves me amd our dog as a family, but cheated on me constantly. He never knew about the cheating in the begining of our relationship bc ofc why would he admit that to anyone. He has this constant fear of being seen as less when he does everything to embody that fear in private. I chose to tell him because he had suspicions that he isnt taking his FMLA seriously. Says this and that about wanting to be better, has erratic shifts in talking about philosophical topics, then goes back to loathing about not living the golden days anymore. His best friend is a good person, but my bf was dragging him down too. Why would anyone use their own friends as a trauma dumping ground instead of getting help.
His workplace allowed him 3 months of FMLA to sort out his issues and get help. The first month goes by, he's home most of the day. Playing videogames all day, binge eating, and smoking. Spends an insane amount of time on the phone with his friends back home and the military. The second month, he spent planning trips to see some of his friends. He relied on them heavily as a crutch to continue life. Traveled to visit his friends in Cali, Washington, and Texas. In between those days of traveling, his bestie from NY and I constantly followed up with him on his mental health and if he was going to find a therapist. He always brushed it off and said he was just going to stick to his schedule of working out, eating healthy, and try new hobbies when he gets back home. Made up a schedule in his head and never committed to it. His best friend and I saw through his delusions because he was actively doing the exact opposite he said he needed. He treated his FMLA as a vacation and when he went back to work. He didnt last for 2 days and went back on FMLA. His workplace is very supportive and never asked for details of his dilemma. Only listened and offered options to help get him back on his feet. It was hard listening to his phone call with the EDD rep to process his leave because she had to interpret the bread crumbs of issues he didnt know how to explain he had. I heard it in her voice the frustration she had of filling in an application for a man so unaware of his own situation.
His best friend came through with his visit to be supportive. I appreciate how considerate he was checking on me too because even my own bf didnt ask if I was OK with him visiting us. I wasnt really let in on the planning. We had a lot of fun the past week going on food tours and sight seeing. He even made time to see friends he didnt know lived out here so he can make the most of the trip. I never asked for anything that entire week except to see Joji perform for his Solaris tour. Literally the only thing I asked for from him in months was to see my favorite sad boy and sing with him. We made plans to pregame before the show, made it to the stadium, and confirmed mobile tickets at the last minute. When I gave my bf my phone to send his bf the tickets because I didnt have his bestie's number, he noticed my call history and realized that I changed his contact title to "Mr. Freaked Out POS who lies 25/8". His demeanor and body language instantly changed and was having a silent meltdown. I expected him to ask why I left it that way, but instead asked self loathing questions like "do you hate me" and I couldnt understand the second question fully because he whispers and mumbles when he gets like that. You cant have a real conversation with this person because his automatic response is stone walling. The funny thing about this moment was that he didnt even see the nickname and notes of his contact profile. I plan on reading it outloud at some point before i make my exit to give him something real to cry about. I've been done him for months and said I dont feel bad and how else do you expect me to cope with you actively choosing to screw me over for mindless sexual gratification and validation. Like why does he think he has the right to get that upset about the way I feel about what he's done to me these 3 years. The month before this was when I found out about the continuous cheating and it destroyed the veil I had over our relationship that convinced me to give him the benefit of the doubt. I dont love him anymore and the veil was mostly there because we found out he was autistic. It was just an excuse at that point. If im fully capable of ensuring the symptoms of my own condition dont affect the people around me, he should be able to do that too.i genuinely miss who I thought he was before this but now im convinced that was just a mask for me to be drawn to him. What i though he was probably never existed and I grieved enough over it. I stopped sleeping in the same bed as him and refused affectionate gestures. He still offers to buy me food when he's around me and I demanded he pay for the phone he uses to cheat and creep on women he realistically cant get with without paying for them. He's getting kicked from my phone plan on a random tuesday when i feel like it. I'm waiting for the renovations to be done to my new place before reaching out to a moving company to help me. My bf offered couples counseling at the facility he's getting treatment at but I dont plan on going with him to save our relationship. Especially when I already attempted to pursue for us to get counseling, it always somehow became his counseling session and im just there watching him sulk in his chair looking like a melted ice cream. I'm planning that one session around my moving day so that the last day he see's me is that appointment and all of my stuff is gone when he gets home. Im going to reach out to his friends and family about his problematic behavior and block everyone except his best friend. The $12k a week his parents are paying to have him at that facility is a waste because their son doesn't take his own life seriously and doesn't change when he needs or wants to. He's gonna keep indulging in porn, video games, and drugs until his heart stops.
Thank you in advance for anyone that took the time to read this rant. I was just looking for a one time outlet to remind myself I cant stay here. Especially because of what happened to me the last time I lived alone. I'm looking forward to the life I'll have after this is over.