[tw mentions brain injury and illness and general doomerism]
I live in the most beautiful place in the world but it might be killing me?
Last year I got so sick after a minor concussion that I now live unable to support myself in my parents house with symptoms that keep me from doing hobbies, socializing, consuming most media, or leaving the house much at all. I can’t digest food, I have allergies, I have skin problems, I can’t sleep. I take a lot of pills.
One thing that some people say is that this kind of sickness is caused by mold. And I live in one of the most beautiful places in the US, the ocean is my front yard, the redwoods are my backyard, the mountains are my neighbors. The weather is always good. My city is liberal and walkable and full of art. But it’s a fog bank. And every house has mold. It doesn’t matter how much dehumidifying. It’s just ubiquitous.
And some people say that the whole “mold illness” thing is a pseudoscientific illness cult with no basis in reality or clinical evidence (including my family). And others say that I will never be well so long as I stay here. But I have no money to my name. And there is nowhere to go. My family is not leaving we are firmly rooted here. There are tests you can do on your house but honestly, I don’t want to spend the money just to be told my one and only place to be alive is killing me. I cannot escape unless I get well enough to work. But right now I’m not even well enough to do my own laundry. I’m so sick. My brain constantly feels like it’s on fire. I can’t even escape by spending time outside like I am now because I’m allergic to the outside more than my house, the pollen makes the burning in my brain worse. I’m doing it to my own detriment. I already take the drugs, antihistamines, I do all the things, it doesn’t budge, I’m stagnant, I’m not improving anymore I just stay sick and I’m bleeding my parents’ tight funds. I see no possible future for myself. Besides ones involving family circumstances worsening and ending too tragically for me to write them here.
I go outside to escape the house that is killing me and then the air tries to kill me. At some point I don’t know how I’m expected to keep existing like this. I’m an invalid in my mid 20s with no hope. The worst part is so many people are I the exact same spot. It’s one of those things where I’d be happier if I was suffering alone. Each other person suffering the same just makes me feel more hopeless.
Coconut milk oatmeal with sunbutter and frozen blueberries and pumpkin seeds. At least my 7pm breakfast is pretty